MACD 5/MACD 5.bin/workbench/tools/czesc_1/afortune/11.frt/11.frt

Text File | 1979-12-31 | 25KB | 634 lines

¤
        If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
¤
Finagle's fourth Law:
        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
        it worse.
¤
Finagle's Second Law:
        No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
        someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
        believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
¤
Finagle's Third Law:
        In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
        beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

Corollaries:
        (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
            don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
¤
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock.
                -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
¤
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
¤
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
¤
Fine's Corollary:
        Functionality breeds Contempt.
¤
Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:

        "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."

Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:

        P.O. Box 35
        Baffled Greek, Michigan
¤
First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
        Machines that piss people off get murdered.
                -- Pat Taber
¤
First Law of Bicycling:
        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
        wind.
¤
First Law of Procrastination:
        Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
        for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
        imposed the deadline).
¤
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
        Celibacy is not hereditary.
¤
First Rule of History:
        History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
        other.
¤
"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
                -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
¤
First, a few words about tools.

Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
injure yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If
you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
granted.  If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
¤
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
                -- Robert Firth
¤
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the mobius strip;
        The strip revolved,
        The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
¤
FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
¤
Flon's Law:
        There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
        the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
¤
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my
joules!"

"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."

"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them
in my burette ... We must call a copper."

Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
of Lawrence Ium.

"We must be careful --- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can
catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
                -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
¤
Flugg's Law:
        When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
        world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
¤
Flying saucers on occasion
        Show themselves to human eyes.
Aliens fume, put off invasion
        While they brand these tales as lies.
¤
Fog Lamps, n.:
        Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
        fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate
        that the driver's brain is in a fog.

        See also "Idiot Lights".
¤
Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
                -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
¤
For a good time, call [phone]
¤
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
cat.
¤
"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
¤
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
always old-fashioned.
¤
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong.
                -- H. L. Mencken
¤
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
                -- R. Clopton
¤
        "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."

        "Whose?"

        "MINE! HA-HA!"
¤
For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
life to date.  He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
now.  He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
the strength to object.  He has been foraging for his own food, which
means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
("part of this complete breakfast").
                -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
¤
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
        (1) Be content with what you've got.
        (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
¤
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
                -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
                   the U.S.
¤
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
¤
"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
computers altogether?"
                -- Jehan Shuman
¤
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
like.
                -- Abraham Lincoln
¤
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off."
                -- Johnny Carson
¤
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
                -- Justin Richardson.
¤
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
¤
Forgetfulness, n.:
        A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
        destitution of conscience.
¤
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
¤
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS!    #6

RAZORBACK:                      Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
        One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
        arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
        hog.  Some violence.  With Gregory Harrison.
¤
fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:

        I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
        "Hey you, get off my plate"
                -- Roger Midnight
¤
Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
        "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
¤
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):

                Don't Write On Walls!

                   (and underneath)

                You want I should type?
¤
Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an
impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.

DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
         having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter
         is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
         large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
         amounts of fertilization ...
HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
         teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
¤
Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:

        Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
¤
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS            #14

Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
¤
fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
¤
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
                -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
¤
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

Corollary:
        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
        except study for that instructor's course.
¤
Fourth Law of Revision:
        It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
        interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
        you.
¤
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:  If the probability of success is not
almost one, it is damn near zero.
                -- David Ellis
¤
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
policeman's tie.
¤
Fresco's Discovery:
        If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
¤
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar.  The cool
Brutus Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
¤
Frisbeetarianism, n.:
        The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
        gets stuck.
¤
Frobnicate, v.:
        To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ.
        Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob
        a frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and
        TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB
        connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross
        manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK
        connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is turning a knob on an
        oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is
        probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at
        the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing
        it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
¤
Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
        An unspecified physical object, a widget.  Also refers to
electronic black boxes.  This rare form is usually abbreviated to
FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB.  Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
FROBNODULE.  Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon).  These can also be
applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
¤
[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
Association, in Rome]:

The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
schizophrenia in mass genocide.
¤
From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.  A judge of the
Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
being nuts (unground)."
¤
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
                -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
¤
[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
in Japan]:

The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.

And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
¤
From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
experience in sound:

        5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading
            sound is normal for this type of connector.
¤
From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving,
Whatever gods may be,
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
                -- Swinburne
¤
Fuch's Warning:
        If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
enough to travel.
¤
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
        Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
¤
Furbling, v.:
        Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
        even when you are the only person in line.
                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
¤
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
                -- H. H. Williams
¤
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
¤
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
that's your chance, my boy."
¤
Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
¤
Garter, n.:
        An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
        stockings and desolating the country.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
¤
Gauls!  We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
on our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
                -- Adventures of Asterix.
¤
Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".

        Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
        "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it?
        Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
individuals and then grow ...
        Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I
think not, my friend, I think not.
                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
¤
        "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
extracurricular activity except you."
        "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
        "Only to ten, Mudhead."

                        -- Firesign Theater
¤
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
        You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you
        because you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect
        too much for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis
        are known for committing incest.
¤
GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
        Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while
        you can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy
        praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a
        sucker.  A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's
        room.
¤
Genderplex, n.:
        The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
        determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
        tortoises).
                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
¤
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
¤
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
                -- Elbert Hubbard
¤
Genius, n.:
        A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
        "bright".
¤
George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.
                -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
¤
George Orwell was an optimist.
¤
George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
                -- Ashley Cooper
¤
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
        (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
            direction.
        (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
        (3) The energy required to change either one of these states
            will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
            much as to make the task totally impossible.
¤
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
¤
                        Get GUMMed
                        ----------

The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep
each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three
days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two
seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is
Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because
all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
could tell them.
                -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
¤
Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
¤
                        -- Gifts for Children --

This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months
and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
morning cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children
exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If
your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it.  You may be worried that it
might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
¤
                        -- Gifts for Men --

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you
should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the
clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For
example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
years without being laughed at.  If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
of tires.
                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
¤
                Gimmie That Old Time Religion
We will follow Zarathustra,             We will worship like the Druids,
Zarathustra like we use to,             Dancing naked in the woods,
I'm a Zarathustra booster,              Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And he's good enough for me!            And it's good enough for me!
        (chorus)                                (chorus)

In the church of Aphrodite,
The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
And she's good enough for me!
        (chorus)

CHORUS:         Give me that old time religion,
        Give me that old time religion,
        Give me that old time religion,
        'Cause it's good enough for me!
¤
Ginsberg's Theorem:
        (1) You can't win.
        (2) You can't break even.
        (3) You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
        Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
        meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
        Theorem.  To wit:

        (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
        (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
            even.
        (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
            game.
¤
Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.
¤
"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
                -- Napolean
¤
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
¤
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
¤
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
¤
"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
around, I'd rather lie around.  No contest."
                -- Eric Clapton
¤
Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP
machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
¤
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
        Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
        probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
        some useful work done.
¤
Gnagloot, n.:
        A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
        impress people.
                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
¤
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
¤
Go climb a gravity well!
¤
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
¤
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
¤
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
¤
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"

Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
would he lie about a thing like that?
                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
¤